love letter to my ex Whom still i love

love letter to my ex Whom still i love


ar You,

Yes, you the love of my life, who taught me the depths of the four letter word and stuck with me when I needed it the most. Yes, you who lit up the sky for me whenever storms withered me, you who made my playlist go insane, filling it with all things love, you are still there with me in the cozy cafes we had the coffee of our lives. You still sneak into the pages of my heart, bookmarking the memories of our first times.

The first time you looked at me, you held the world right there. The first time our fingers intertwined, you silently plucked the strings of my life creating symphonies that still ring loud in my ears. The first time you told me you loved me, believe me, it was the sweetest elixir my soul had ever tasted. The first time we made love, every romantic story I ever read came to life for me. You, yes you, sent me to those daily trips to heaven, holding my hand, brushing aside the worse that touched me. I was so happy. I was too innocent to know that all good things come to an end. Little did I know, that you were a human too. And that humans change, their heartbeats skip a beat and it’s not always for the good.

Our silly jokes, the laughter every time I saw that cuckoo’s nest on your head when you woke up next to me, the endless conversations over midnight tea, how do I even begin or end. And then there those days of sheer silence, times when we seemingly hurt ourselves, staying days without each other, just to prove a point. The pushing and cursing, for who’s the asshole amongst us, our fights were as passionate as we were. And so was the lovemaking that came after that, as if we had united after years. You, together we hiked through hell and together we glided through our personal heaven. I was so happy. I was too innocent to know that all good things come to an end. Little did I know, that you were a human too. And that humans change, their heartbeats skip a beat and it’s not always for the good.

I still don’t understand what made us apart. Was it the routine of loving each other no matter what or the time played as the rust. Or was it our dreams that made us take our own flights or the unfathomable distance that we created as we banged doors on each other’s face. Was it the level of rudeness that we went to or the ugly fights that suddenly started taking months to get solved? Whatever it was it broke me. I had given my everything to you, and you eventually chose to leave me all alone, in the mess that you and I had created, together, day in and day out. Yes, when you left, I was devastated.

I wasn’t habitual of crossing the road without holding your hand, and all of a sudden, I was out there, crossing crowds all alone. My mind was numb for days, with no idea how I would go about a single meal. Every single bite reminded me of the endless dates we had, fussing over our favorite foods. There were no fights on whose coffee was better! There was nobody to force me into ordering for his favorite piece of cake. For nights, I slept clinging to my phone, hallucinating that it just beeped. For days, I looked at the door, thinking how you would bolt open with a bear hug for me. It went on for months. I hated the sight of a couple on marine drive. I silently wished someone would call me up to ask if I reached home safe. And then one day it all stopped.

It all stopped just the way a watch stops ticking one day, dead, lifeless. It stopped as if someone had punched hard enough in my chest to remove my heart out and I could look at my soul fly. I still wonder as to why did it all stop?

There was a sudden shift as I was going through our pictures. I didn’t need to delete them, I just stopped going back to the hidden folder to cry around them, touching your face, tracing your lips. I don’t remember how and when it happened. But my heart just snapped close. One day it was no more the longing, but sheer bliss of what we had. One day. I just came across your picture, looking at you happy and calm. I came to know how you actually moved out of your job, the way you always wanted to. I truly feel happy. And more than that I feel thankful, for if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have spent some of the best moments of my life. Love is all about the moment, be it numbered or lifelong for those lucky ones.

Had we not lost each other, I wouldn’t have lost myself, just to find myself back again. Suddenly, I find myself writing a lot. Out of nowhere, I started making friends, some true ones and some just want me around every weekend. Out of nowhere, I got so close to my parents, who never asked why I had been sobbing all night. And then one day I actually loved the morning. I have learned that nothing stays forever and that love can still be love, for the time that it was. I choose to take all the good you bought in me forward, and keep aside the ugly side of who we were together.

I want you to know that you are one of the best sons I have come across and I respect how your parents are one of your top priorities. I want you to thank you for making me learn managing finances, for had it not been you, I would have never become practical. Always remember, that there was no dearth of love from your side. It just left us, somewhere between everything. I want you to know that you are wise enough to take your life to the highest of successes, which you will. And I hope you never stop making tea for the lady of your life, every weekend, just to show how much you love. I now understand, how your love was hidden between those sudden hugs and kisses and was never meant to be wrapped in gifts and presents. You aren’t miserly, you just have your own language of expression.

Today, I just want you to know that I am no more in love with you, but I don’t hate you at all. Your name is now back on my contact list and I rarely look up to your last seen. But for the longest time, there were moments when I would wait for those grey ticks to turn blue. Your pictures on my timeline do not make me nostalgic and uneasy. What if we couldn’t grow old together, we did grow within ourselves, for all the time we were together. I have moved on in life and wish you all the best for your future. May we both find our own share of love soon and remember each other the best way we can.

Your Ex.


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